Get back on the horse

It is fine to fall. We need to get back on the horse.

Out of nowhere this trauma we suffered catches us and we carry the pain with us all our life. We can never run away. It is like the worst thing in the world.

Nobody can fully understand. They have their own thinking.

The therapist will say I am mad, crazy, bananas, out of my mind, insane, deranged and everything else but it’s only politically correct. Name calling just gets in the way. It does not mean anything.

This brutal hand in life that we are dealt with is ours alone to carry. Being alive is essentially a very lonely proposition. You have to carry your pack alone. Everyone does. Nobody gets as much help as they need. You have to help yourself.

The issues I have is probably a manisfestation of unprocessed trauma. When i dig at it it feels like opening a can of worms. I have to dig deep. When was the seeds planted?

I have to process the trauma. It cannot be neglected. The problem will not just go away by itself. Most likely it will get worse. The sooner I do it the better it will be for me.

I have to do things differently because doing the same thing and being caught in a loop always produces the same result. Changing my mindset and attitude might help. Look at things from a different angle for a new perspective may help too.

It all depends on how I look at things and how I choose to handle it. Things will always catch up with us sooner or later. Walking away from the problem is the easy way but dealing with things is the best way in the long run. Less hurts all around.

Try not to leave it for too long. It is so easy to be in denial. Create a space for yourself. We need to do what we need to do. It seems like an impossibility but it isn’t. Do not make it hard. We need to see the problem. It’s true colours. We need to be wise.


Self care

My cat knows exactly what it wants. It never comes when I call. It is never stressed out or have obsessive loops but always relaxed. We all know who is the boss. It lives it’s life on it’s own terms nobody else’s. I need to learn how to be wiser from my cat.

Every morning I sit down to meditate for about one hour. There are many things you can do in meditation. One of the things I do is to check in with myself. Ask myself how am I feeling today? I do this because in a day I get flooded by many energies and other people’s emotions. I can get lost in it. So at the start of the day I check in and centre myself. Touch base.

I need to have self awareness. A sense of self is important because it does not matter what other people are doing, I am living my own truth. I think this is why getting inside of myself, inside my core is a good thing. Self awareness gives me a foundation to navigate the world.

The world and everybody wants me to be something else other than who I am.

It used to be that when I wake up I put a character on and I become that someone. The pressure to conform is great. Expectations are great. This made me happy on the outside but unhappy on the inside. I need to take off my masks and just be myself. I need to own who I am. And when I do that the world changes with me. If I am my authentic self the world becomes authentic too. It’s weird but true.

To be self aware is very relevant in today’s world of multi media. The need for affirmation and love makes us become somebody we are not. We develop an addiction to social validation. There is a sense that we are not good enough and we become good enough if we are reminded of it all the time. We end up doing things that betray our authentic self.

The need to conform and the lack of self belief runs deep. The narrative that goes on inside our brain does not go away. It gets internalized and played on a loop until we get brain washed. We start to believe in the lie.

The media gives us validation and we can get obsessed by it because we get a dopamine kick. This makes us hyper and unhappy. It is obsessive.

So every morning at the start of the day, I show a little kindness to myself. I check in. I open myself up. I remind myself that I need to give myself a chance to feel all my emotions. Not just the happy stuff.

A redefinition of the meaning of what it is to be strong is in order. Being strong is to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is who I am. With this, I will grow to be a whole person. I do not want to be fractured anymore.

I need to face myself fully. I need to see both the good and the bad, the happy as well as the sad. If I can do this I will discover who I really am. I will grow and thrive.This is how I can find strength. This is what strength is.

Also and just as important I think I have to learn to say no. I think if we are truthful to ourself there will be quite a few things that we know we should say no to. We should try and compromise but if no compromise can be found then we should think about walking away.

The rift

Sometime in 2016 a rift opened up.

For the whole year the energy was very active. It was not usual.

A rift is a disturbance to the natural order.

The rift is revealing things to everyone. Opening people up. Humanity has been given a big push.

Everybody is made to face themself. It used to that we can block things out and live in a bubble we created so that we can avoid things we do not want to face. The new normal is that we can no longer block and tell lies to ourself. Everybody has to face their inner demons. And many may not be able to handle this well.

Everything is coming together. Things are wound tight. Any misunderstanding or mistake may cause things to get out of control.

The world has been out of balance for a very long time. Now the energy is working at rebalancing things. Maybe bring back some sanity.

The problem is that change is happening very fast. When things unwind it may be chaotic.

Good luck to mankind.

A lot of things have been written about the energy

A lot of things have been written about the energy but very few people have seen it. You have to see it to know what it is. This depends on whether the energy allows you to see it. You also need to be pure. When you can see the energy and know what it is you will see that there is a lot of information embedded in the energy. The information that is there changes all the time. It is fluid. This is the natural entity that exist before consciousness and reality. It fires up everything that exists. This entity existed at the beginning when from nothing (whatever nothing means) became something. When creation first took place.

What do I want? What do I need?

What do I want? I want a lot of things. What do I really need? Not much.

A healthy balance between wants and needs is good. It is best if needs and wants are close together.

If I adjust my wants and needs, the energy changes immediately. Change happens and happens fast. For good or for bad. Even intent in us changes the energy dynamics.

I may have free choice but the universe together with the energy determines the outcome. I do not always get what I want. I may have free choice but I am bound by the consequences of that choice. I may not agree with the outcome but I always deserve what I get.

Everything is not in terms of me. The energy weighs all the permutations and effect of my choice. Many dominoes will change position at every push and push back. The energy is a kind of unseen moderator.

Since the energy existed it existed hand in hand with realization. Things can be good or it can be bad in the extreme.

What do I want? Depends on my realization of how things are. How life is. The energy fires up my realizations. When I am ready I will get the energy for the realization.

Presently this is what I have realized. I think I want to choose something that suites me, my nature and character and just do that. I do no want to care what people think of me. It does not matter that I am not the best at what I do. I also do not want to be pressured by other people’s expectations of me. I just want to be myself whatever that may be.

What do I need? I need to fix what is broken inside of myself. I think the capacity to love myself and others meets a deep need. Love is a need not a want.

Wants and need is a kind of training. It exists so that I can learn from the experiences. This is why I am here as a human. I am here to learn. It has been a frustratingly confusing and painful learning experience but it is probably good for me.

I will probably never get there. Letting go is difficult. But when I look inside myself in meditation, I see that the real me has no needs and no wants. There is also no past (baggage) and future (worries). In a way the real me is very stable. The energy is stable and balanced. There is minimal push and push back. There is harmony.


Spirituality is just living life. There is nothing magical or super paranormal about it.

Sometimes we see things we do not understand and it may be strange. It is all really just the energy at work. The energy is intimately linked to life. We all get glimpses of its working.

Ever since the energy existed, realization goes hand in hand with the energy. The energy fires up understanding. Life can be good or bad to the extreme. It all depends on what we see and our understanding of how things are. How life is. The more we realize the more we can truly live a good and meaningful life. This is why we are here. We are here to learn about life as it is. The energy helps us to learn. We have help.

The energy that fires the equations of scientists

There is an energy that fires up the equation of scientists. This same energy fires up our consciousness. It is the source of all life. The root of everything.

It cannot be seen as it makes our senses function. It cannot be perceived because it makes our thoughts come about. Yet it is there in plain sight and yet hidden.

It is the so called “nothing” but it also something. Both are true.

If you can see it. Know what it is, why it exists, what does it do, and how it functions then you will finally understand. Your search will come to an end.

The energy is something that no words can describe. What the energy allows you to see of itself is knowledge for you alone. Do not take advantage of the energy.


Change is everywhere we look. With the age of the internet change is happening faster than ever. It’s getting difficult to keep up.

Change is the only constant. Everything is always changing. Nothing stays the same.

Change is not something that we can resist or fight. We need acceptance. For example. We are all dying slowly.

How do we manage change? We just do what we need to do. Do enough. Whatever that is. There is probably not a lot we need to do. But when issues come we just attend to it. Fix it.

Knowing what to do and how to react in the confusion when things are changing fast requires wisdom and maturity that does not come from logic alone.

No matter how we plot and plan and try to micro control we are never certain of the outcome. The universe gives us free choice but it determines the outcome.

Sometimes managing change may mean doing nothing but letting things run its course. Do not fight it. Fighting change only make things worse. Let things fall into place and resolve itself. We just need to overcome our fears. We may not agree with the outcome but it is usually fair. Fate. We are where we are ment to be.

There is also the issue of randomness. Randomness can mess up well made plans. This is how it is.

But I think everything is interconnected. So when one thing changes many things changes. When the butterfly flap it’s wings somewhere in the world there is a typhoon.

As far as I can see, there is a complex web of connectivity but somehow the energy is able to account for everything. It’s hand is in everything. Everything is energy.

We are all moving along together. Changing together. Push and pull. Linked and unlinked. It’s a dynamic, multi dimensional and an active stream that flows like a wave. But it is more than that. It is hard to describe. You need to see it. Feel it’s pulse. Allow it in.

Father time records every change that happens and that has ever happened.


Many of us fear. Fear of loving too much, and the fear and the pain of loving when you know that eventually loss is inevitable. It us difficult to bear.

We also fear that we are falling short. We let our loved ones down. If we mark ourself against the standards of the world, no matter what we do, it will never be enough.

We should face life and what life has to offer with great fortitude knowing full well that our hopes and dreams may not come about and the things we invested in may one day be lost. We need to accept that we may also never measure up and please everybody.

So lets embrace our insecurities and make peace with our fears. Yes there may be pain but this is the stuff of life. It is a package deal. Life is both good and bad.

Nothing stops us from taking risks. From being fearless not caring what people think. I do not need to loose myself because of my fears. I know who I am.

I am going to reach for the stars. And have myself a good life doing the things that I know how to do best. Maxed out. What is stopping me?

Things will come and things will go. Enjoy the experience while it last. Nothing lasts forever. Be fine with that. It is what it is.

Loss and failure is inevitable but I get to keep the experiences. And that is good enough for me.