I was totally unconscious of this problem for a long time.
As a child, I must have experienced something traumatic. My mind had blocked it out. Retracing my steps, my mother used to beat me to a pulp though no fault of mine. My mother had anger issues.
I developed a split personality. An angry persona that protected the real persona. Whenever I felt that I was under threat, the angry persona will make an appearance. Lots of screaming and shouting. The problem was that I had a kind of black out. I do not remember myself doing the angry act. And when it was pointed out to me I denied it. I thought I was being wrongly accused. The angry persona comes out only with family.
Through meditation, I got to know myself better and I discovered the duplicity. I hurt myself and I had hurt my family.
I created this problem and I was the only one who held the key to undo it. I needed to face it, be honest with it and deal with it. I wanted to change, I had to say sorry to the family and sort myself out. Go deep into the problem. Merge the two personalities. There is only myself.
I think I have been having this problem for many life times. Karma has brought me to the place that I am in to see if I can learn my lesson. I have to learn not to be unconscious but be conscious of myself. Who am I?
After I let it go, I am a happier person and the world is a happier place. This baggage that I was carrying is something that was not necessary. It was a mind created obstacle. I needed to accept that the anger is something that I no longer wanted. I hid behind it. It brought me shelter and comfort. I believed that I was under attack. I needed to protect myself. It was not true.
Help will come from the universe if I ask for it but help will come when I truly accept that something whatever it is that they will show to me, how willing am I to let it go? It is not easy. Change.
In the end it is not about the abuse but more of what I did to myself because of the abuse. My attitude, and behaviour. I need to deal with it and see that I must not create something from nothing.